Have you ever wanted something so intensely you just HAD to have it? No matter what? You would sacrifice whatever you needed to in order to have it? Of course you have!
Ever since you were a kid, staring at the red plastic race car in the store, or the new hula barbie that just came out! You stomped your feet (or wanted to) and said, “But I want it!” You would have given your two front teeth!
But have you ever experienced God leading you toward what you wanted so badly?
I did, for the first time in my life. I had such a desire and a drive, and a focus. Nothing could stop me, but God. And He didn’t! In fact… God LED me right towards what I was after!! He even handed me the keys!
I ran through the door and down the path like a race horse out of the gate! You know what was at the end of the road? Exactly that. The end of the road. At least, the end of what I was after… Why?
Darn Good question…
#1: Had my intense desire and drive not been pursued, I would feel somewhat unresolved and I would have always wondered what may have been…
#2: Having pursued what I wanted, I learned to discover reality… To be open to see things more realistically in the beginning instead of building fairy tales…
#3 OR God’s unknown reasons…
Just because the door that you want opened, opens, doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for you. Sometimes, we must discover that for ourselves…
I want to see your heart.
I want to hold it in my hands.
Is it as soft as the sunlight
That lay on your skin?
Is it stone as the gargoyle
That stares with ridged eye?
Does it dance?
I want to hear that music!
Does it sing a melody
That spirals around concrete people
That will never see you?
Does it flow with the cosmic
Undercurrent, washing over
Glaciers of frozen eyes?
Does it see you in a reflection
Of a million faces distorted
By perfection’s war?
Does it mingle with the unknown
Side of itself, accepting the invitation
To go places that daunt your comfort?
I want to see your heart.
I want to hold it in my hands.
And watch it unfold its wings
And fly into turbulent spaces
Inviting breadth for more.
I envy the turtles. They seem to live on merely a whim. Maybe I’ll go eat some grass. Maybe if I leave now, I’ll get to the grass by tomorrow. Maybe I’ll go for a swim. Or maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. Whatever the trutles are doing, it is definitely NOT standing in front of an automatic door waiting for it to open!
Do you know what I mean? Some how my walking is faster than the sensor that says to the door – there is an approaching human, it is time to let them through! And in that moment as I stand there infront of that door, head bowed in shame yet again, I am thinking, REALLY ANGIE? Are you doing this again!?
So after a couple of weeks of noticing this, I thought I’d try to be cognizent of my pace and slow down a little. With that in mind, I found that I started slowing down right before I got to the door, so I could walk through it like a normal person. Again, REALLY ANGIE? So, hurry through the day, but when you get to the door, slow down!? For goodness sakes, you don’t want to out-walk the speed of the opening door!
I just can’t figure out why I am in such a hurry all the time. But I will tell you this, I could use a little turtle-like behavior. Next time, I will say to myself, Maybe I’ll get up now and walk toward class. Maybe if I leave now, I’ll get there before it starts. And maybe, the door will open before I get there.
It has been a long time coming! But, I am super excited to announce the release date for my book. It has already been approved and it will be available on Amazon.com on NOVEMBER 16th! When the time comes I will post a link to the book. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT!! Meanwhile, I have purchased a few and will be selling them to family and friends. (And don’t tell anyone, but I am practicing my signature )
When God confirmed with me that He wanted me to go to medical school, it took some time for me to internalize the idea. I had many fears, and I didn’t even know that it was possible. I wrote this as I was letting the idea settle within me.
A Path Shifted
Let it fall upon me softly,
As the feathers of snow
Drift in silence
Through it’s breath.
Let it settle on my skin,
And lay with me,
Staining my fears
With shades of content.
Let it sink into my bones,
And re-design me
Of valiant framework
And unbending order.
Let it breathe upon
My creatures of madness,
A curious wind
To devise a league of legend.
Let it spiral into
Forces of valor,
A clever divide
Of possibility and fear.
Let it whisper to me
Memoirs of fate,
And fancy notions
Of a path shifted.
To My Dearest Beloved:
If I ask You, “Will You hold my hand?”
What I mean is, “Will You hold my heart?”
If I ask You, “Will You take this away?”
What I mean is, “Can I share this with You?”
If I ask You, “Will You give me what I want?”
What I mean is, “Let Your will be done.”
If I ask You, “Why is this happening?”
What I mean is, “Let me remember FAITH.”
If I ask You, “Will You give me another sign?”
What I mean is, “Will You give me another sign?! Please?”
I may ask You for things You know I don’t need.
What I mean is, “Let me rest in Your arms, then You take the lead.”
Your Misspoken Daughter
“HERE! TAKE IT! I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE!” How would you feel if someone gave you something in this way? I don’t think I would even want to take it, much less open it to see what’s inside.
I realized I started to give something to God in this way. Then, I started to think. When we give a gift to someone, in a way, we are sharing it. No, I don’t mean ‘one for me and one for you.’ I mean, we are sharing it at a heart level. So, when we are putting something in God’s hands, shouldn’t it be done in the same way? It’s hard to do.
When it’s something that is hard to hold, it’s easier to throw it down, walk away and never look back. But who is God? Chopped liver?!
Sometimes, I feel like I am going crazy. How have You dealt with me?! I can be so stubborn when it comes to seeking understanding. Yet, we need to lack understanding in order to experience faith. If we could reason out everything, why would we even need to put faith into practice? So far, God, Your timing has left me dumbfounded. If my life were left to the clumsy hands of my own design, I would construct something that stopped making sense a long time ago. So, why would I even tell You what I W-A-N-T ??! Because when I do W-A-N-T, it is because I think it will make me happy. But, how do I really know?! Only You know. And sometimes, pain is a part of our journey on our way to something beautiful. And pain is not what we choose on our own volition. Only You know what will make us happy. And that’s the hardest part. It’s easy to say “Its in Your hands, God.” it’s NOT easy to let go and let you. My own design tarnishes Yours.
Your clumsy artist
I am staring at my fourth proof. This is a longer process than I originally anticipated. I am hoping that all typos will be found in this one. I am going to start making you-tube videos and am going to print some ‘Choosing the Challenge’ tee shirts in preparation for the release as well as a few more things…. I am going to stop saying ‘when’ till I know the exact release date. Thank you so much for your support. It means more to me than you can imagine!
There are two prayers I wrote that I repeat often. They are quite personal and near and dear to me. But I thought I’d share them. Someone might want to use them I have a night prayer and a day prayer.
Hold me in Your arms tonight.
Hold me ’till the morning light.
Then I’ll need You by my side,
To guide me till You hold me tight.
Take my hand, guide my way.
Give me strength throughout the day.
‘Till twilight shines its golden rays,
Then, in Your arms, I will lay.